I’ve been going through a lot with my mother’s illness. I know that is selfish sounding because mom is going through a whole lot worse that I but I say it due to the emotional aspect of it all. I’ve been put on a rollercoaster, which at times dipped so low, I was faced with frightening realizations I was not ready to face. So I have put forth a strong appearance while inside my mind is a total mess.
This has also opened my eyes to many things that go on in my life. My work, my friends, my family, my dating life to name a few. Priorities change and obligations are not obligations but labors of love. I have basically spent my evenings at the hospital, getting home late to fast or processed foods with little sleep in between. Many friends have stepped up in their concern for me. Concern which I always knew where there but still took me by surprise. This added to the emotional rollercoaster.
The person I felt I should have had the most attention wasn’t the person who gave it to me. P was quick to not wanting to see or spend time in the hospital with me. I know not everyone likes hospital environments and true she had a pre-planned business trip to the west coast, but I had expectations. They were not made by the person who is supposed to know me intimately. I needed a shoulder to lean on. I needed a hug. I needed someone to tell me that everything will be fine and if not, that I will be ok. I didn’t get that. Instead, I found myself in an empty apartment alone with my thoughts and emotions. Needless to say, food and drink gave me solace.
Then there is B. As many miles that separates us, she made sure I was ok. She would follow-up on Mom. Ask me how I was doing. Checking in on me. B has a marriage and a beautiful child to take care of on top of many household and work responsibilities but yet she made time for me. I know B and I have a complicated relationship (understatement of the year) but B shouldn’t have to play such a huge role in ensuring that I was well. I felt in her that she was suffering alongside with me. This wasn’t just my little family’s turmoil but B’s as well.
It all culminated in a phone call late last night. The call took me by surprise as I was getting ready to sink into the sofa and just be alone in the quiet. The familiar Bob Dylan chimed on my phone and I picked it up. From that point, the conversation was so heartfelt, fun, sad, bittersweet, romantic and simply beautiful. We talked about our respective situations dealing with grief and found to share many commonalities. She was dealing with her significant other’s lack of contact during his dealing with family loss and P was missing from my life when I needed to deal with mom’s illness. Soon it was realized that the universe has really fucked us over. Here we were bemoaning the lack of communication/care from our people when we always knew that we were each other’s person.
B captured my heart long before I could admit to her that she had. It is hard to reconcile feelings one has for someone who is married. In my life, those who are married become asexual. Strong friendships but no hint of attractiveness. They could be standing in front of me in a bikini and I’d be looking past them at the girls wearing thongs.. In other words, no interest. Yet, with B, I was always intrigued. I loved her for who she was, her looks are icing on a beautiful cake. As I got to get to know her, I was confronted with feelings that didn’t die or fade away. They became stronger. B was the epitome of the person whom I felt was perfect for me but unattainable.
Last night, we talked and I was truthful. How I threw every rule out because it is B. I know we face unstoppable meets an immovable object but really, it is movable. Sure, there is a marriage involved, distance in miles involved and a child involved, but I think all things can be overcome if done right. There is an irresistible attraction between us which was not just physical but mental. The connection is strong as we talked with great length and in my case, speed. I can spit out words like no one else, but with B I tend to do it at an excitable rate. I can never really sit still when I talk to her because she brings me such energy. My interactions with B only solidified my feelings for her. It is unfair of me to go into a relationship with someone when I know that B is the one I want to get old with. She brings so much into my life, I only hope I can do the same for her.
After our amazing conversation which lasted until 2:30am, I went to bed happy and full of love. I was calmed down and for once during my mother’s illness at ease. I wasn’t stress or thinking dark thoughts. Life is starting to feel beautiful again. Right before I closed my eyes it came to me. What am I doing with P?