The last 5 days has shown me what life could be and what life is currently. Starting with last Thursday night, Fashion Night Out, I whirl winded my time with P. We hobnobbed with fashionistas and drank more champagne than I have in years. I rocked out in the windows of Kate Spade and schmooze with a VS angel. Looking at P in her element, I saw the girl I feel in love with. I saw her eyes dancing with delight when she spoke with friends, introduced me to people she had worked with and her excitement over our discussions about clothing. While I sat by in Scoop and she was in shopping frenzy mode, I watched her and my mind imagined a lifetime of this. It was a nice feeling and there were no issues or obstacles I could imagine us to overcome. There was no rough patch. Just us. Sure, she was unhappy with my conversation with a girl named Crystal whom I called my Crystal Meth, but her admonishment was more about how I can be so friendly with strangers and get caught up in moments. These were the same reasons why she loved me but at that point in the night was the reason she disliked me. Still, we were able to have a wonderful night where she made off with tons of clothing and swag and I bought a tie.
The weekend came and with it the 10th anniversary of that tragic day. Sunday was a day I sat with P and watched on TV as the names were announced. I had lost several friends when the towers fell and I remember vividly my life in NYC when the planes hit. P was emotional and explained how she remembered that day when she was a high school senior. HS Senior?? I had just graduated from law school in the midst of waiting for my bar results and she was making plans for Wesleyan. She mentioned when the horror hit NYC, it cemented in her mind that she was making the right decision to stay in CT. I, on the other hand, made the determination that NYC needed me now more than ever and have continued to live in Manhattan since that day. We talked about that day, sharing our stories, when P made the statement that she never truly understood how much older I was than her until hearing my 9/11 story. She was about to begin her life whereas I was already living my life. She continued by pointing out that I am still living my life as I have established it while she continues to create her foundation. It was surprising we lasted as long as we did. I listened to every word, and agreed, it was surprising we made it last this long.
These last couple of days, I have been bouncing from spending my lunch time with Mom, then returning to work, only to head to community meetings and baseball games after work. P and I have not spent that much time with each other and when we spoke tonight, I told her I missed her and we’ll be back to making time for each other very soon. P said she missed me but she knows I like to keep myself busy and with baseball season almost over, she will survive these next couple of weeks. Not exactly a lot of love being tossed around but the fact that I agreed with P was also was telling.
We’ve had some wonderful times and then we have had some times where I wonder if we share anything in common. Maybe this is normal in relationships, but after all the relationships I have been in, I never get comfortable with this kind of normal. What does life hold for us? I don’t think there is a crystal ball in the world which can tell us. We need to find out for ourselves.