A few weeks ago I received a call from my old boss/mentor/good friend. We had not spoken in months and had to catch up with Post-Sandy talk and everything else that happened in the world during the lack of communication. As we talked, he let me know his grandson had been accepted and started at Georgetown University School of Law. Totally happy and excited for him. I like to see young people enter into law with optimism. A lot of that comes from the fact that I entered law for a different reason and was also well versed in the realities of the field so with that knowledge I was slightly tempered in my enthusiasm as well as realistic in what I could potentially accomplish in the field. I also went to law schools that I could afford and not the ones I wanted to go to. So that certainly jaded my approach towards law school and I wanted anyone who went to have a fresh perspective and do not pass along my personal reservations which I held prior to attending law school. Anyway, he went on and on about how his grandson loves it there and is enjoying the hard work as well as DC to the extent he can enjoy the city. It was a good conversation and we plan on meeting up in the new year for a group lunch.
After I hung up the phone, I felt this nagging creeping sensation. I couldn’t place my finger on it until I came to grips with it. I was jealous. Georgetown had been the school I had been accepted to for college and law school and both times I could not afford to go there. Sure I still have student loans from my education and law school wasn’t cheap when I went but it would have been much worse had I gone to Georgetown. So I sat there and was bothered by the fact that someone I knew was living the dream I had when I was in my 20s.
I hated feeling this way. It was all on me as to why I didn’t go and yet I was envious about someone getting the chance and being able to do the things I had dreamed of had I gone to school there. We all make our choices and I made mine but I shouldn’t regret it. What disgusted me most was that I was even feeling this way. I had my chance. I didn’t pick that road. Instead I went with what was practical for me and it still lead to a legal career. I can’t live with the “What Ifs?”. I didn’t do it and I was ashamed at myself for even harboring any negative feelings when I heard such wonderful news from my friend.
While I know I am only human and allowed to have a myriad of feelings, this is one type of feeling I do not like to just accept as being a part of me. I don’t need to envy or be jealous. Had I not chosen the school I went to, I would not have met one of my closest friends. That first year of law school made some of the best relationships I have had in my life and what we went through has kept us in touch with one another. I wouldn’t trade that for anything so I put aside the jealous and envy and have grown to be happy for my friend’s grandson. I made the right choice for myself and there is no looking back. Only looking forward.
A Day In A Life 