Just as I was getting used to being 37, I turned 38 this weekend. Now I have to start over and embrace the one less step to 40. I wasn’t in a good frame of mind when getting to this point. In fact, I felt straight up old. I know, young at heart, age is just a number, blah, but I started to think about where I was in life and how I haven’t even come close to those dreams of what I thought my life would be when I was dreaming at 21, 25, 30 and 35. While a lot of things have fallen into place: Career, City Living, Strong Close Group of Friends, Healthy Immediate Family, I feel there is something missing. I had dreams of helping those who were defenseless or underrepresented. Be it through politics, law, medicine, I was going to make a difference. As of now, the only difference I make through my career is make my company rich and avoid terrible contractual obligations. Not really improving the world.
I had dreams of having a family. Sharing the fruits of my labors with someone special and perhaps teach our children (which were either through biology, adoption or marriage) the few relevant things I learned about life. I would be on the road to looking forward to growing old with her and know that she would be in my corner regardless of what I face and I would protect her as much as I could from whatever life threw at us. Instead, I am in a complicated relationship with a wonderful girl whom I love but I feel we aren’t really meant for each other. Then there is the spectre of the relationship that could be but can I hold onto that hope much longer? These are the questions that I face in this 38th year.
Lastly, I just had a different outlook on life in general. Things in the world would be better. We, as a society, would be more humane. Understanding. Caring. We would not turn our back on our fellow human being but together would work to creating a world where everyone has opportunities and are willing to give of themselves selflessly. I think that is truly a dream that will never come true. I’m not perfect so how can I expect others to be? Yet, I still dream that one day in my lifetime, I’ll see glimmers of hope. Not class wars, racial discrimination, sexual discrimination.
So, for the past 17 years I have been thinking of what is missing in my life. What will I do in this year? I will actually appreciate what I have. Embrace the great things that my life has. I’m going to be upbeat, happy about life. It is not a so-called life. It is life and while many obstacles may come flying my way, I just have to dodge and leap but with a smile on my face and determination in my heart and mind.
A Day In A Life 